I’m not being lazy I’m just trying to be conservative with my energy.

Original & Famous Funny Quotes

Funny quotes and phrases can be used in all areas of life. From a backyard bar-b-q to the inside of a thoughtful note, these quotes mixed with some good humor can make us laugh, bring a smile to our faces, and warm someone’s day. Humor is an essential part of life that gives us permission to be grateful for the little things and realize there is always something to laugh about.

Writing a funny quote on a card or reciting one to a friend is the essence of good entertainment, fun, and harmless teasing that everyone from kids, adults and seniors can always enjoy. Here are some of these quotes to brighten your day and put a smile on your face.

You can use for free any of these quotes and images, as long as it is for personal (and not commercial) use.  Post them, share them or download them.

Have a beautiful day!


Who needs fiesta when you can have siesta!
Who needs fiesta when you can have siesta!
  • They say not to cry over spilt milk, but I’m gonna make you cry because you ate all the Oreos!
  • When you have a stressful day at work and you feel like you’ve been in jail, TGIF turns into “Thank God I’m FREE!”
  • I want to use the toilet. If I’m not back in 10 minutes, assume the worst.
  • What? The Starbucks drive-thru isn’t open yet?! Just shoot me now.
  • Me? Drunk? No, I’m just having a freaking awesome day.
-Did Noah send you a friend request? -Nope. -oops!...
-Did Noah send you a friend request?
-Nope.
-oops!…

I’m not being lazy I’m just trying to be conservative with my energy.
I’m not being lazy I’m just trying to be conservative with my energy.

Sometimes all you need is 0 million.
Sometimes all you need is $500 million.

Yes, I am wearing glasses. No, you can't try them on.
Yes, I am wearing glasses. No, you can’t try them on.

  • Eating at home: when you get take out and still get cooking credit. #thegoodlife
  • So you think I’m short? Yeah, my boyfriend says I’m pretty down to earth too.
  • I’m bored = Use caution.
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  • Some of us just need a high five every now and then… in the face, of course.
 Cleaning is just putting stuff into less obvious places.
Cleaning is just putting stuff into less obvious places.

I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.
I don’t like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.

If a book about failures doesnt sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld
If a book about failures doesnt sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld

  • When my girlfriend wants to fight I go in the other room with the laptop and prepare to use all CAPS.
  • I’m only fat because my personality couldn’t fit in a smaller body. Sorry if that offends you.
  • Cleaning the house is easy. I’ve found that the empty closets come in really handy.
  • What kind of person can beat the FBI’s research abilities? A jealous ex.
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  • 15 Optimistic Good Morning Cards.
  • I thought more power in my life would be fun, then I got the electricity bill.
  • When people tell me I should behave better, I inform them they must not have heard about the other options.
  • Time is priceless so waste it wisely.
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres

I meant it,but I didn't mean to.
I meant it,but I didn’t mean to.

I thought about losing weight once, then I realized, being fat fits better with my eating schedule.
I thought about losing weight once, then I realized, being fat fits better with my eating schedule.

  • My doctor said I’m under too much stress and suggested I do something to relax…so I went shopping.
  • My husband said he misses our sexy time. So I went out and bought all the Sex and the City episodes plus Netflix. It’ll have to do.
  • When my baby turns 1 I’m going to throw a pointlessly expensive party so I can feel like I’m 10 again.
  • When Taylor Swift comes on I always brace myself: my girlfriend’s about to break up with me.
  • I used to be a Scream Queens fan, then my girlfriend and I starting fighting more and I went deaf. So much for finishing that season.
  • Enjoy life while you can, there will be enough time to be dead.
Weekends fly by so quickly!
Weekends fly by so quickly!

I am constantly amazed by Tina Fey. And I am Tina Fey.
I am constantly amazed by Tina Fey. And I am Tina Fey.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great. Gold Meir
Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. Gold Meir

  • Black Friday is just a day for people who don’t like camping in the woods.
  • With S’mores: a great family bonding time. Without S’mores: a heated torture gathering in the great outdoors.
  • If days of the week were people I would punch Monday and hug Friday.
  • Pet stores should have dog disclaimers: A furry friend who wets the bed and drinks your toilet water.
  • To every human being who graduated school without Google I say, bravo to all you super-humans!
  • I don’t have a dirty imagination. I’m just more creative in my sex life than you are.
  • When my wife comes home from a bad day at work I immediately hide the credit cards. Apparently shopping is her therapy.
  • They say when life gives you lemons make lemonade. Easier said than done: what about the water and sugar?
  • I was going to film the family reunion, then my crazy uncle showed up, so I put the camera away. My kids will thank me one day.
  • When my kid needs a diaper change, I sing to my wife: “ABC, one, two, three, you’re it not me.”
  • My physical trainer said the key to a great body is consistency in what I do, so I think I’ll go home and finish that tub of ice cream I started yesterday.
  • They say walking is good for you, so I try to go to the mall at least once a day.
What’s my favorite thing about my job? Probably the lunch breaks.
What’s my favorite thing about my job? Probably the lunch breaks.

What do you mean "6 a.m."?
What do you mean “6 a.m.”?

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston S. Churchill
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston S. Churchill

  • After I paid for my skydiving lesson I, thought: “Oh shit, I’m too young to die!”
  • I do the dishes, pick up the kids from school, and wash the car. What else does my wife want!? Oh yeah, I forgot to give her the credit card.
  • Families are a lot like fudge, sweet with some nuts in the middle.
  • You can’t always choose your family, but you can always just ignore their calls.
  • My wife and I just realized our kids were finally in bed, but by that time we were too exhausted to pick a channel other than Disney.
  • You think I’m crazy?! Well, I guess that makes two of us. We should really be a couple.
  • I tried playing golf once. Then I realized I was a natural at driving golf carts and wearing stupid hats. So I became the bag boy.
  • I used to have super powers. Then I started sessions with a therapist. Now I just have problems.
  • When my psychiatrist shows me my low patient ratings, I just yell, “What about Bob?!
  • I used to date this really hot chick. Then I married my wife because she could cook.
If you have friends as weird as you then you have everything!
If you have friends as weird as you then you have everything!

Monday again.
Monday again.

What’s my usual? Awesome with a hint of amazing.
What’s my usual? Awesome with a hint of amazing.

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