Featured image for a blog post with funny retirement on liners for cards. On the image there is a happy couple dancing in joy for their retirement.

80 Funny Retirement One Liners for Your Greeting Cards

Retirement – the moment when you can finally kick back, relax, and not have to deal with Karen from accounting anymore. It’s the time to trade in your work clothes for sweatpants, your briefcase for a fishing rod, and your boss for a margarita on the beach. We all know that retirement wishes can be drier than a mouthful of saltines, but that’s why we’re here. We’ve gathered the funniest one-liners from comedians, writers, and even that one guy from the office who always makes you laugh. These funny retirement one-liners are guaranteed to make even the most stoic retiree crack a smile.

From silly jokes to funny retirement quotes from famous people and celebrities, we’ve got the perfect one-liners for every occasion. Whether you’re sending off your favorite coworker or your crazy Uncle Harold, our collection of funny retirement wishes will make your message memorable – and make sure you don’t end up in their burn book. So, grab a drink, kick back, and let’s get started on making your retirement card the funniest one yet.


The Funniest One Liners for Your Retirement Card

Retirement can be a time of many emotions, so focusing on the humor in life may be just what the retiree needs.

  • On the day of your retirement, we want you to know you will be missed. We understand if the feeling is not mutual!
  • Retirement is like a magic trick…you’re not sure how it happened, but suddenly everything is different.
  • Congratulations on your retirement! Please take me with you!
  • Retirement is like being a teenager again, except you have to take naps instead of staying up all night.
  • Retirement is like a second childhood, except with more wrinkles and less hair.
  • Retirement is a time of unlimited adventure. I hope it doesn’t take you back here!
  • As you retire, I wanted to share my honest thoughts. I never wanted your job- until now! If you’d like to switch, please let me know!
  • Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.
  • Goodbye commute, hello pajamas! Retirement is going to be a blast!
  • Retirement is a time to wine down and relax.
  • Retirement is the time when you can finally start living life by your own rules…as long as they don’t involve waking up before 10 am.
  • Retirement is like a fine wine: it gets better with age.
  • Finally, you can put your feet up and do nothing…just like you did at work!
  • Retirement: When every day is Saturday, but you still can’t find time to get anything done.
  • Retirement is the perfect excuse to spend more time with your family…or to get away from them.
  • Finally, you can put your feet up and do nothing…just like you did at work!
  • You’re leaving? So soon? I mean, you just got here, right?
  • Retirement is the time when you can finally say goodbye to deadlines and hello to bedtimes.
  • Retirement is like a ride on a Ferris wheel: it’s exciting, it’s scary, and you’re not sure if you’re ready for it.
  • Retirement is your chance to accomplish everything on your to-do list. Remember to buy duct tape for easy fixing!
  • Retirement is like a pair of slippers…it’s comfy, it’s cozy, and it’s just what you need to take a load off.
  • Retirement is like the perfect recipe…it takes time, patience, and a little bit of seasoning, but the end result is delicious.
  • Now that you’re retired, you can finally spend all your time doing what you’ve always wanted to do – absolutely nothing.
  • Why did the retired person start playing golf? Because they wanted to be a “hole” lot more relaxed!
  • Why did the retired person take up cooking? Because they finally had thyme to do it!

Related: Retirement Wishes for Coworker: Quotes and Messages to Inspire

Happy Retirement wish on an image with funny dog.
Happy Retirement


Funny Retirement Quotes to Get Them Laughing

Get ready to make the retiree chuckle harder than their old boss’s comb-over with these funny quotes!

  • I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. Gene Perret
  • It is better to live rich than to die rich. Samuel Johnson
  • Retirement: twice as much husband and half as much money. Sally Bayley
  • Retirement can be a great joy if you can figure out how to spend time without spending money. Unknown
  • When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. R. C. Sherriff
  • Some of the best memories are made in flip flops. Kellie Elmore
  • My retirement plan is to get thrown into a minimum security prison in Hawaii. Julius Sharpe
  • A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job. Ella Harris
  • I found out retirement means playing golf, or I don’t know what the hell it means. But to me, retirement means doing what you have fun doing. Dick Van Dyke
  • Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. Gene Perret
  • Planning to retire? Before you do, find your hidden passion. Do the thing that you have always wanted to do. Catherine Pulsifer
  • The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. Abe Lemons.
  • I’m not just retiring from the company; I’m also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron. Hartman Jule
  • Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache… unless you play golf. Gene Perret
  • Don’t act your age in retirement. Act like the inner young person you have always been. John Anthony West
  • You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. C.S. Lewis.
  • As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. Robert Benchley
  • Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life. Daniel Francois Esprit Auber

If you enjoy this article, you may also visit our collection of Inspiring Retirement Wishes


Witty Retirement Messages To Include in a Card

Retirement is a time for relaxation, enjoyment, and…corny jokes? Absolutely! If you’re looking to add some humor and laughter to your retirement card, look no further than these funny retirement messages.

  • Retirement is like a recipe for happiness…mix in some relaxation, add a pinch of adventure, and voila!
  • Remember those late afternoon office naps you always tried to hide? During retirement, naps no longer have to be hidden, or only in the afternoon!
  • Retirement is like a never-ending weekend, except you don’t have to go back to work on Monday.
  • As you retire, we hate to break this to you but, we will no longer be here to do everything you ask of us. That responsibility now belongs to your spouse. Good luck!
  • Retirement is the time when you can finally tell your alarm clock where to go.
  • No more alarm clocks, annoying telephone calls, or hundreds of e-mails to answer. What in the world are you going to do with your day after you retire?
  • Your work retirement party was one of the best days I’ve had at the office! You should retire more often!
  • Retirement is the time when you can finally relax and let the world revolve around you.
  • Retirement is the time when you can finally use your senior discount without feeling guilty.
  • Retirement is the time when you can finally start counting your blessings instead of your sick days.
  • Congratulations on your retirement, the end of an era and the start of an error.
  • Retirement is the time when you can finally trade in your briefcase for a fishing rod…and never catch a single fish.

Check out our collection of  Original Retirement Wishes for Mom if you enjoy this article.

Funny happy retirement image. Funny Retirement One-Liners for Cards.
Happy Retirement.


Optimistic and Inspirational Retirement One Liners To Include in Messages

  • Retirement is like a fresh start…a chance to reinvent yourself and do all the things you’ve always wanted to do.
  • Retirement is like a garden: it takes time and effort to make it beautiful, but it’s worth it in the end.
  • Retirement is like a sunrise…it’s a new beginning, a fresh start, and a chance to take on the day.
  • Retirement is like a butterfly…it’s the end of one life stage, but the beginning of a beautiful transformation.
  • Retirement is the time when you can finally do all those things you said you would do ‘when you have time’…but then end up just napping instead.
  • Retirement is like a long nap after a big meal: it’s just what you need, even if you don’t know it yet.
  • Retirement is the time when you can finally say goodbye to your job and hello to your golf clubs.
  • Retirement is like the Olympics…except you’re competing against yourself, and the only medal is a lifetime of happiness.

Related: Retirement Wishes for Teachers


Retirement Is… : Funny Retirement Sayings To Help Us Unveil The Mystery of What Retirement Really Is

  • Retirement is like being a kid again, except you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to…except maybe eat your vegetables.
  • Retirement is like being on a permanent vacation…except you’re broke and can’t afford to go anywhere.
  • Retirement is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you’re going to get, but it’s always sweet.
  • Retirement is the time when you can finally trade in your work clothes for something more comfortable…like your pajamas.
  • Retirement is like being a kid in a candy store…except you’re diabetic and can’t eat anything.
  • Retirement is like being a teenager again, except you have more money and fewer responsibilities.
  • Retirement is the time when you can finally make your bucket list a reality…or just use it to store your ice.
  • Retirement is like being a superhero…except your only superpower is the ability to take long naps.
  • Retirement is like a walk in the park…if the park was full of senior citizens doing Tai Chi.
  • Retirement is like being a teenager again…but with a better curfew.
  • Retirement is like a round of golf…sometimes you’re over par, sometimes you’re under par, but you’re always happy to be out on the course.
  • Retirement is like winning the lottery…if the lottery only paid in naps and trips to the doctor.

You might be interested in this related article: Retirement Wishes to Make Your Dad Feel Appreciated


Send Them Off with Laughter: Our Top Funny Retirement Wishes!

Whether you’re sending off a coworker or a family member into retirement, make sure to include some funny retirement wishes to make their transition into the next phase of life a little more lighthearted and enjoyable!

  • Congratulations on your retirement! May your days be filled with more wine, more chocolate, and more ‘me time’ than ever before!
  • Congratulations on your retirement! Now you can finally embrace your inner sloth and take daytime naps like a pro!
  • Wishing you a retirement filled with lazy afternoons, good friends, and plenty of happy hour specials. Just don’t forget to invite us to your first retirement party!
  • Happy retirement, lady boss! Now you can spend your days doing what you do best: bossing around your family and friends!
  • Happy retirement! May your days be filled with binge-watching so much Netflix that even the ‘Are you still watching?’ message gets tired of asking.
  • We’ll miss your witty banter around the office, but we’re excited for you to start living the good life. Just don’t forget to send us a postcard from your hammock!
  • Here’s to a retirement filled with adventure, laughter, and a lot less paperwork. And by adventure, I mean trying out that new recliner you’ve had your eye on.
  • Retirement is endless days of sunsets on beaches, sunrises on mountaintops, and walks through the forest. Be sure your internet bill is paid each month, so you can continue to look at the pictures of all your favorite destinations! It is much cheaper that way!
  • Wishing you a retirement filled with all the things you love: good food, good company, and plenty of opportunities to embarrass your kids. Have a blast!
  • Happy retirement! You’re now officially a ‘professional relaxer.’ Just remember to stretch before lifting the TV remote.
  • I hope the boredom of retirement does not cause you to pull out your hair. Well, what’s left of it anyway!
  • Congratulations on your retirement! We’ll miss your work ethic, your humor, and your ability to make the coffee just right. We’ll never forget your secret ingredient: retirement dreams.
  • Happy retirement, Wonder Woman! Now you can put your feet up and let someone else save the world for a change.
  • Happy retirement, man in charge! Now you can finally relax and let someone else do the heavy lifting – unless it’s a case of beer, of course
  • Congratulations on your retirement! We’ll miss your talent, your expertise, and your ability to fix the printer. Don’t worry, we’ve already hired a new printer whisperer.
  • Happy retirement, Superwoman! Now you can take a break from saving the day and start living it up. Have a blast!
  • Congratulations on your retirement! Now you can trade in your suits for Hawaiian shirts and your dress shoes for sandals. Enjoy your new casual lifestyle!


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author avatar
Yiannis Kalliantas

Yiannis Kalliantas (He/Him) has worked for more than 15 years in the hotel industry, organizing all kinds of social events like birthday parties and wedding receptions.

He has been one of the top contributors on Birthday Wishes Expert since the launching of the site. Yiannis has curated hundreds of articles and he is committed to the mission of our site to helping people from all around the world find the right birthday wish on every occasion.

He has an MBA in Tourism, and is an avid city photographer. His recent work on street photography in Athens, Greece can be found on his website IWalkAthens.com.